Save the Set Up

Consider this my official request to be set up

I just landed back in the USA, and I’ll be celebrating the holidays here with my family for the next few weeks. Since no one (not even me) likes to ruminate about their singleness over the holidays, this will be the last post for the year. I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

You’ll hear from me again on January 7th, at which point hopefully something juicy will have happened for me to write about. In the meantime, I hope you search out any sprig of mistletoe you can find and kiss a stranger at the stroke of midnight to ring in the New Year.

Hypothesis

There’s no need to fear the set up.

Background

It’s no secret that office romance has gone the way of the dodo, and third spaces are more endangered than polar bears. Therefore, I propose we all do our civic duty and band together to save the set up from a similar fate.

To be clear, this call to arms is just as much (if not more so) for the coupled people who read my newsletter as the single girls.

My parents met on a set up, as did my grandparents — albeit someone else’s…but that’s a story for another time — so I have a vested interest in this particular mode of meeting.

In fact, if you’ve ever spoken to your parent’s friends about how they met, you probably know that a lot of them met in some version of a set up. For most of the last century, the set up reigned supreme as the number one way that people met romantically.

I’m such a sucker for those infographics that show statistical changes over time, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably also enjoy this video on how couples met from 1930-2024. The main portion of the data is based on a study conducted by Stanford, according to the YouTube description. There isn’t a specific category for “set ups” but instead they have meeting “via friends,” which I figure is roughly synonymous.

Until 2012, the “via friends” category sustained a healthy 20-25% share of all romantic encounters. So, what changed? I’ll give you a dollar if you guess the answer. You’re right, it’s the internet, you brilliant little thing!

Online dating doesn’t even enter the chat until 1981, but from 1991 the share of people meeting online begins to grow voraciously, until it finally overtakes all other modes of meeting in 2012. By the time we reach 2024, online dating has grown to a staggering 61%, and “via friends” has dwindled to 13%.

We all know that online dating has changed the way that single people approach those they might be romantically interested in. But has it also changed the way that coupled people view potential partners for their friends? I would argue that it has, as it seems like today’s set ups are much more carefully considered than in the past.

My Mom, speaking on the record at our kitchen table, said that when she and her friends were single it was all, “Oh, I know somebody! It was never, ‘this guy is going to be perfect for you,’ because they can’t make that judgement call for you.”

The reticence around set ups is not only due to online dating culture, but also to the competitive spirit of getting it “right.” People want to be able to flaunt their high score like they’re Emma Woodhouse, but it isn’t a game; it isn’t something to win. You shouldn’t be concerned with your hits versus your at-bats. Don’t be so delicate about setting people up, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. We’re all adults here.

In case you’re still feeling a bit nervous about putting two people together, my friend, Rachel, who is the queen of set ups, has established some ground rules through trial and error. One of the best rules for couples setting people up is: no best friends with best friends. “You can’t be equally invested in both parties,” she recommends. From the jump, “you have to have a clear side you’d take.” So, this means that you and your significant other should not try to set your respective best friends up…or at least be prepared to reap the consequences if you do.

She also advises, “give numbers and then get out. It’s not your job to orchestrate the date.”