Dating Dispatch: Washington, D.C.
Who said politics and love don't mix?
I’m writing this week’s Seriasly on the plane to South Africa, where I’m visiting our other “Dating Dispatch” reporter, Accacia!
If you or someone you know has opinions about the dating scene where they live in the world, write me! You could be our next Dating Dispatcher!
Amina has been living and dating in Washington, D.C. for ‘too long.’ She moved to the city for university in 2012, just before Obama was voted into his second term. She graduated the year Trump was elected for the first time and the Republicans came back to power, then came another four years of Democratic rule under Biden, only to go back to Trump and the Republicans. That’s fourteen years of political yo-yo-ing. And through it all she’s navigated the ever-changing dating pool as it swings from left to right and back again. When the whole dating world seems to be pulled in two by political polarization, Amina tells us what it’s like to look for love in the city where it’s all going down.
D.C. has a reputation for being hell on earth for someone who’s trying to date, no matter what side of the fence you are on. What is it like dating in the political capital of America right now?
The political affiliations can be hard. Unsurprisingly, there are a lot more Republicans and moderates, and people who just don’t care about politics. It’s a lot harder to find liberal people on these apps than people realize.
You’ve been in DC for two democratic eras and two republican eras, how do you feel the city changes during those times of flux?
The place you see it most is at restaurants and bars. DC has watering holes for Republicans and Democrats, and right now the liberal hot spots are a bit less busy than before. I don’t go to the spots Republicans frequent. There’s a place called Butterworth’s. That is somewhere you need to avoid like the plague. You couldn’t pay me to go there, unless…actually, I’d do it for a million dollars.
Where else in the city do you keep a wide berth?
I’ve noticed City Center can feel really Republican when you go out to eat. You just see people and it’s obvious, you can tell from their vibe, from their haircut. I feel like I can easily clock a Republican person in this city. But where it gets difficult, specifically with white men, is the new mustache trend. I saw this guy at an in-person dating event who’s blonde and had a mustache. And the whole time, I thought, ‘that’s a Republican, the aura is suspicious.’ But it turned out he’s a raging liberal. So, looks can be deceiving in multiple ways.
Do you find you rely on looks to make a quick judgement?
Yes, it’s a little aggressive if I just come in and say, ‘are you Republican?’ That’s not a great strategy. I’d say I do look at things like the way they dress. If someone’s wearing camo, it’s a turn off. There are a lot of army men in town. It’s a huge problem for me because I don’t date military men – it’s my own personal line in the sand – and they’re everywhere. However, I will say a lot of people stereotype them and say that they’re all Republican, MAGA, dumb, uneducated, but I have met some very leftist military people who are highly educated on the impact America has across the world. And, you know, if you say things like the military is the number one polluter in the world, they will agree with you. And they can have nuanced conversations about their service and how they feel about it. If you stereotype everyone who served or is a veteran as a conservative, that is the wrong assumption. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
On that note, though, one thing I’ve been really surprised by that has come up more recently in DC is gun ownership. In the past year and a half I’d say I’ve spoken to at least four men in romantic scenarios who then tell me they own a gun. And these are people who are liberal or even self-proclaimed leftists. I just find it so bizarre. Who is coming to hurt you in your one bedroom apartment where you have a front desk and a dog wash and a private parking garage? I respect your rights, but I think it’s the antithesis to masculinity, to be honest.
Have there been any other surprises like that?
Well, there’s the performative leftist male, which isn’t a new thing. The other day, I was talking about my recent trip to England with a guy. I was saying, “London’s really cool. I feel like everyone should go there once.” And he said, “I have no interest in England because they’re colonizers. I’m not going to visit that country after what they’ve done to the world.” But you live in America, the most corrupt democracy in the world. This country was founded on a genocide of the Native Americans. I find it really funny when guys say things like that.
This idea of “performance” happens all over the place, but do you feel like the performance of politics is heightened in DC?
Yes. And there are people who will judge you if you don’t volunteer, for example. Some people go to a lot of protests and they’re not going to be down with someone who isn’t involved in mutual aid, who isn’t involved in their communities. A lot of people here will canvas for different mayoral candidates or council member candidates and they get really involved in that way, which is great, but as a result, there is some judginess on whether or not the other person is active enough in the community for them. It’s a judgy city.
That’s interesting because I feel like each city tends to have their thing they’re going to judge you on, but it seems like in DC you’re being judged on who you are as a person – as compared to LA which is about who you know, and New York which is about how much you’ve accomplished.
People here are definitely judgy about what you do, who you work for. And I have my own level of judginess. There are definitely a lot of war profiteering companies around here and I tend to avoid people who work for the really evil ones. For example, if someone tells me they work for Palantir, I will call them corrupt to their face. In the past, I would not date someone who works at the Department of Defense, but now it depends more on what they’re doing.
It sounds like the banter can get quite fiery. Is the flirting political? Are we debating our way to love?
I see some political banter on Hinge with the prompts. One guy answered the time travel prompt by saying he’d go back in time and stop Mitch McConnell’s parents from meeting. Another guy made a “Fuck, Marry, Kill” prompt with Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, and Ted Bundy.
Speaking of apps, is it a mixed bag politically on most of the apps?
I’ve found that it’s a mixed bag on Hinge and Bumble in terms of political affiliations. Sometimes a guy won’t list his political affiliation or will say they’re apolitical, but that’s because they’re Republican. I don’t care if you’re a Bush Republican. I don’t want it.
Why do you think they aren’t specifying their politics? Are they trying to fly under the radar?
I don’t know why people hide their political affiliation, maybe it’s to maximize their reach? In the past I would have assumed they maybe just missed the question. But in this day and age, politics are more important than ever in dating. If someone’s not doing it, I’m assuming it’s on purpose. And women in DC are highly educated, they’re not going to fall for that, they can clock it from a mile away.
What is the dating culture like?
I think because it’s a transient city, the situationship market is rife. Dating culture tends to be casual since people are so busy with their careers, and then the careers become an excuse when backing out of relationships. It can also be pretty flaky because of that, too. If I have five dates scheduled in a month, maybe two of them will actually happen.
How are people dressed when they’re out on a date or going to an in-person dating event? In my head, I’m envisioning scenes from West Wing of Sam Seaborn out at a bar, picking up girls and everyone’s in a power suit.
No, no, definitely not. You know, if they’re in a certain industry, they’ll be wearing a suit, but there are a lot of non-profits here and guys who work in that sector rarely wear suits. If you go to the hip spots, no one will be wearing a suit. And there are some very artsy parts of DC. It’s largely liberal, you can see how they vote in elections.
Okay, since we’ve identified DC as a judgy dating city, I have one last question: would you date somebody who doesn’t vote?
At this point, yes. In my 20’s, I would have said no. But now I’m not judging at all because of how disenfranchised people are with American politics and the people in power. It makes sense to me why somebody wouldn’t vote in the last election. I think as long as they’re still left-leaning, that’s what’s most important to me. And I think voting in local elections is more important than the presidential election. If you decide to do that for the rest of your life, that can really make an impact. It starts in the community.
No but Seriasly…
She Was Busy Being Free
When I started “The Great Offline Dating Experiment,” I had to train myself to be aware of male attention. In 30+ years spent on this planet, I’d either largely discounted, ignored, or been oblivious to it. This was partially because of confidence, but mostly it was because I was busy doing other things. I was busy talking to friends. I was busy paying attention in class. I was busy dancing.
Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady?
I wasn’t one of those girls who daydreamed about their wedding. I took pride in the fact that I didn’t have opinions on flowers or diamonds or dresses. I didn’t imagine my husband or marriage, either. I felt this was something to be applauded, my lack of foresight. My inability to conjure up a future.
This is 40
Beth Risley and I met when we were both working at Violet Grey. She was 30 and I was 23 and I couldn’t believe how graceful and kind and elegant she was (I still can’t). In January, Beth began posting beautiful personal essays every week on her new Substack, On Becoming. These small windows into her life on the eve of her 40th birthday were exactly the peek down the road that I’d been searching for.